A warning to all Woman!!!
You’ve heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of cruel theft is happening with other body parts as well! My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else’s thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with Earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my Original! I realized I’d have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arms swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a Time. What could they do to me next? When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those “plastic” surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something “lifted”, look again - was it lifted from you? THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere, every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband
A few things to remember!
Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything. If the shoe fits - buy one in every colour. Take life with a pinch of salt… a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls! Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days). When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. Don’t get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny. When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else’s ex-boyfriend.
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it in the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans' he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says
the man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F*CKING PRICE'
My one skin lies over my two skin
My two skin lies over my three
My three skin lies over my four skin
So pull back my four skin for me
All together now...
Pull back, pull back
Pull back my four skin for me, for me
Oh pull back, pull back
Pull back my four skin for me
My brother lies over the ocean
My sister lies over the sea
My daddy lay over my mummy
And that's how they happened on me
From the top
And repeat...
WOMEN'S ENGLISH1. Yes = No2. No = Yes3. Maybe = No4. We need = I want5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry6. We need to talk = you're in trouble7. Sure, go ahead = you better not8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
MEN'S ENGLISH1. I am hungry = I am hungry2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy3. I am tired = I am tired4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!5. I love you = let's have sex now6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
Ahh, cheers Pete, that explains a lot.
My ex-wife told me to do what ever I want when I wanted my first big tv.
So I bought one .......... and she threw me out!!
In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again. In response he said "I'd prefer it if you refered to her as Heather.....
80 year old couple sh#####g furiously against a fence.They were at it for 40 mins.Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor.
'Christ' she said, you didnt f##k me like that 50 years ago!! To which the old man replied '50 years ago that fence was'nt f#####g electric!!!
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without making a mistake.The average person cant.......
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is fourty cat
This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read third word in each line from top to bottom.
During last weeks high winds a family were killed by a fallen tree,the city council released a statement saying
'We didnt even know they lived up there'
This is one that an old school friend of mine emailed to me the other day.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
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One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
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She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Hammond</st1:place></st1:City> organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
<o:p> </o:p>
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
Little 5 year old Daisy spots a group of workmen arrive at the house next door. She takes a great interest and over the next few days chats and chats with the workers. The lads adopt her as the works mascot and at the end of the week present her with a pink hard hat and a five pound note in a wages envelope.Excitedly she shows her Mum.'So, Daisy, will you be working again next week?'her mum asks.To which Daisy replies..'Depends if them cnuts from Jewsons deliver the f'kin bricks but it'll probably pi$$ down anyway'
A woman had 13 children. Her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died, she remarried again and this time had 5 more children. Then she died too. Standing at her coffin the preacher prayed for her and said "Lord, they are finally together". One mourner asked her friend, "do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband? The friend replies, "I think he means her f***ing legs!"
It is the first day for a group of children at a local infants school and the teacher wants to get aquainted.
'I will be asking some of you what you have been doing over the weekend and I would like you to try to answer in 'Grown up' language' she informs them.
'Susie, what did you do at the weekend?' she asks.
Susie replies ' I went to visit my Nana'.
'The grown up way to say that is: I went to visit my Grandmother' the teacher says.
'Simon, what did you do at the weekend?'
Simon replies 'My Mum took me for a ride on a Choo Choo'.
'The grown up way to say that is: My Mother took me for a ride on a train' say the teacher.
'Tommy, what did you do at the weekend?'
Tommy replies 'I read a book Miss'.
'That was good, and what book did you read?' asks the teacher.
Tommy thinks for a moment, and with a confident grin on his face says 'Winnie the shit, Miss'.
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