Two Kiwi’s are working on a building site in Auckland. Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick). Anyway Phul turns to Muck & says, “Cawww I’ve gotta take a pi$$, but there’s nowhere to go, eh.”“Walk out to the ind of thit plank,” replies Muck. “I’ll stand on this ind & balance ut.”“Are you sure, Muck?”“Yis, no worries”“100%?”“YIS!”So out goes Phul to take a pi$$ & the lunch siren sounds, Muck forgets what he’s supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Phul is a goner.Several days later an Australian, a Frenchman & a bloke from IN ZID ( New Zealand ) are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest… Wazza the Aussie says, “Mate I’ve been known to miss a pi$$ up session down the Pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheila’s!”Pierre, the Frenchman says, “No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest & give them gifts of love like French champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure.”Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing & says, “No, You blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a building site in Auckland following these 2 gorgeous looking Birds, and this bloke came plummetting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming, “CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!”
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in."OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him."Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked."Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy."Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
Allegedly, this is a true transcript of an air traffic control conversation:
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there, I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to obsess about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him during sex.It's causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it."Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks."No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him."Another boyfriend, then?" he continues."No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear."Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured."No, no, no!!!" she answers."Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands."That's me before the surgery"
I was married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often asked me if she was a mail-order bride. I found this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them was insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery
I was married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often asked me if she was a mail-order bride. I found this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them was insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery
I was married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often asked me if she was a mail-order bride. I found this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them was insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery
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