imagine my joy when getting out the xmas decorations,i found a present i forgot to give the kids last year,their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped and opened the box,......
unfortunatley it was a puppy!
bloke gets a call from the doctor.im sorry sir we messed up your wifes test results! she's either got alzheimers or aids.well what should i do ask's the bloke! doctor replies ,put her on a bus,if she finds her way home ,dont fxxk her!
A couple of months ago I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping and I want you to hear about it. I have been embarrassed to mention it before.Simply dropping into Waitrose's in Norwich for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Asda at Yarmouth. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. . Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and hopefully this coming weekend. So Be Warned! P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each, Lidl's are £1.75 and look better.
The Parish Priest's Chickens<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
(Why you should make sure you think before you speak!)<o:p></o:p>
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.<o:p></o:p>
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"<o:p></o:p>
All the men stood up.<o:p></o:p>
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"<o:p></o:p>
All the women stood up.<o:p></o:p>
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"<o:p></o:p>
Half the women stood up!<o:p></o:p>
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"<o:p></o:p>Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Murphy is taxi driving to keep his head above water in belfast, and it's a foul wet night so it is, he sees a nun at the side of the road stood under a bus shelter but there will be no bus for the next 55 mins as she's just missed one. He pulls along side her and asks if she needs assistance, she says "bless you my son I need to get to the city center in 40 mins as i'm running late so I am". He says "well I suppose i could get you there in time but I should charge you full fare this time of night" the nun explains she is not allowed a luxury of a cab as she is issued with a bus pass, so he thinks a second and says "ok I'll take you my good deed for the day (wishing he'd left well alone) he starts the 7 mile trip into town with the nun in the back. They are talking away and she asks "is there anything he wants in return for his kindness", he thinks for a while and says "can I be totally honest with you sister" she says "of course my son" he says "well it's been a long time since I've had sex and has always fantasized about the nuns I see around the city", she is taken aback be the mans frankness, but suddenly says "pull into the next ally that looks dark and private and she'll try and help him if he is a good catholic and is not married". He aggrees to this readily and finds a secluded ally drives down, she says he's to get into the back with her and take out his manhood. He does this and the nun gives him the best blow job of his entire adulthood so far, they re adjust themselves and he gets back into the front of the cab and starts driving again....no more chat between them as he feels more and more guilty of the exchange between them finally at the destination he breaks down in tears and confesses he is in fact married and is not a good catholic or indeed a catholic at all, the nun smiles sweetly as she climbs out the cab and says to him "oh not to worry my child", "I'm not a nun I'm not even a woman I'm Fredric and I'm on my way to a fancy dress".........
THE LODGERA couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the ho<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:PersonName>us</st1:PersonName>e told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could <st1:PersonName>us</st1:PersonName>e a tin bath in front of the fire.'Mondays the best night, when my h<st1:PersonName>us</st1:PersonName>band goes out to darts', she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.After her h<st1:PersonName>us</st1:PersonName>band had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her h<st1:PersonName>us</st1:PersonName>band when he came home.He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'.The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, 'Do you shave?''No', replied the girl. 'I've j<st1:PersonName>us</st1:PersonName>t never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?''Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.When the h<st1:PersonName>us</st1:PersonName>band got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?''Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?''Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.''I know', he said, 'but the f**king darts team hadn't'!
THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
A Drover walks into a bar with
A pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
Mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of
its head
The croc opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up.........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'
Statues
There
are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a
reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal
winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've
wished to do the most" He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go
running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes
rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return,
out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She
eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time,
I'l l hold the pigeon down and you shit on its
head."
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