Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates".About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter. So he sat down and wrote DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PETER Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUMLesson of the day,NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
A nun went to the doctors as she was feeling sick,she was told she was pregnant,Totally dumfounded due to severe shock of the news,the next day she stormed into the monastry wher the monks lived and shouted..."right which one of you dirty bas**rds has been wa*king over the candles !!!!!!!!!!!!111
Things Yoda Says Before, During, and After Sex 1. "Ahhh! It's Yoda's little friend you seek!" 2."Nerrrm. Put a shield on my sabre, I must." 3."Feel the force!" 4."Foreplay, cuddling: a Jedi craves not these things." 5."Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I will!" 6."Early must I rise. Leave now, you shall!" 7."Happens to every guy sometimes, this does." 8."When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?" 9."Ow, ow, OW! On my ear, you are!" 10."Who's the Jedi Master? Who's the Jedi Master!?!"
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' <o:p></o:p>
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' <o:p></o:p>
'It's j<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:PersonName>us</st1:PersonName>t too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
wife gets naked and asks hubby.....what turns you on more....my pretty face...or my amazing breasts.........he looks her up and down and says...your fu**ing sense of humour
Pregnant prostitute goes to the doctors, the doctor says ..." do you know who the father is ?"
prostitute says....."For fu*k sake.......if i ate a tin of beans...would i know which one made me fart"
Paddy goes to the chemist and says."i need something that will keep me Horny all night"
"I've got three girls coming round"
Chemist says...."you need super viagra...that'll do it"
Paddy comes back the following day, with his man hood black and blue,skin hanging off it and says......
"I need some deep heat"
Chemist says " its not for your KN*B is it ??"
Paddy replies......"NO...its for me arm....they didnt turn up !!!!"
bloke proposes to his girlfriend,but tells her he has a deformity".my penis is baby size"his girlfriend says ,"i will marry you,and learn to live with your baby size penis".they marry and on the honeymoon thet start touching each other,she slides her hands down his stomach into his pants ,screams and runs away.he runs after her totally embarassed!YOU TOLD ME YOUR PENIS WAS BABY SIZE ,SHE SHOUTS AT HIM.it is he replies,its 8 pound 7 ounces and 10 inches long!
after a visit to a whore house,a man notices a lump on his dick,so goes to the doctors.
that's serious says the doc,
you know how wrestlers get cauliflower ear?"YES"say's the man nervously.
well say's doc,
you've got brothel sprout!
little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday,his dad said"we'd get you 1,but our mortgage is £80.000 and your mum has lost her job,next day little patrick walked out with his suitcase packed.his dad asks "were are you going son"
Patrick replied." i walked past your room last night,and heard you tell mum you were pulling out,then i heard mum tell you to wait cause she was coming too!im not staying here on my own with a £80.000 mortgage and no fuxxing bike!
bloke bursting foe the loo uses the ladies in a posh hotel,he sits down and see'e 4 buttons,ww,wa,pp and atr.
curious he presses ww and is gently srayed with warm water,then wa and a blast of warm air dries him then pp a powder puff that left him smelling and feeling fresh,pampered he presses atr,he wakes in hospital a few days later and nurse tells him atr means automatic tampon remover,your cock is under your pillow!
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