Bumper Stickers <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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Horn Broken…watch for finger
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To all you virgins..thanks for nothing
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Constipated people don’t give a s**t
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If you’re not a haemorrhoid, get off my ass
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Quote by Yasir Arrafat on going to war over religion:-
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“You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend”.
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Chinese Proverbs<o:p></o:p>
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there
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War doesn’t determine who’s right, war determines who’s left
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It takes many nails to build a crib and one screw to fill it
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Naughty Nursery Rhymes<o:p></o:p>
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Simple Simon met a pie-man, going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the pie-man
“What have you got there?”
Said the pie-man to Simple Simon
“Pies! You stupid pillock!”
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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men
Said “Screw the sucker, he’s only an egg”
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One Liners<o:p></o:p>
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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get in to my own pants!
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Sign in a Chinese pet store: ‘Buy one dog, get one flea’
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Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear my mum’s wise words “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
A jump lead walks into a bar, the barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
An invisible man marries an invisible woman, the kids were nothing to look at either.
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning"
"I don't believe you!" says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull" said Daisy
A man woke up in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted "Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replied "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms"
Deja Moo = The feeling that you've heard this bull before
Men Jokes
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Q) Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A) So they can find their way back to the house
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Q) How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A) Three, if you slice them very thinly
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Q) How do you get a man to do sit ups?
A) Put the remote control between his toes
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Q) Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A) So men can remember them
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Q) Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
A) He wouldn’t ask for directions
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Nursery Rhyme… sort of
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Mary had a little lamb
A little toast, a little jam
A little pizza and some cake
Some French fries and a chocolate shake
A little burger on a bun
And that’s why Mary weighs a ton!
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Blimey Agnes! Just bought a new joke book? Very good!
Have you?
You'll have to post some jokes on here then Booby cos some of those I posted are over 7 yrs old
A bloke walks upto a girl in a bar and says....."The names Bond..."
She says " Dont tell me....James you corny git!"
He says "No....UNI...I've come to fill you're crack!"
A policeman on his horse says to a little girl on her bike, " Did santa get you that bike?"
"Yes" replies the little girl.
"Well, tell santa to put a reflector light on it next year!" The policeman said, and fined her £5.
The little girl looked up at the policeman and said,
"Nice horse you have there, did santa bring you that?"
The policeman chuckles and replies,
"He sure did!"
"Well" said the little girl, "Next year, tell santa the f**kin dick goes under the horse and not on it's back!"
This is a true story told to me by my mother many years after the event.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
When I was a kid we moved on to a new housing estate. There was still some building work going on and a neighbours little girl would watch the builders.<o:p></o:p>
As she watched she would pass the brickie a brick (no Health and Safety then). At the end of the week the brickie’s put some money in an old wage packet and gave it to the little girl.<o:p></o:p>
She was telling my Mum this story and Mum said, “That’s very nice are you going to help again next week.”<o:p></o:p>
To which the little girl replied “I will if the f***ing bricks come”. My mother nearly choked as this was in a time when swearing wasn’t as wide spread as it is today.<o:p></o:p>
Old mother hubbard. went to the cupboard, to fetch the poor doggy a bone.
When she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.
This is ancient, it's my contribution to the re-cycling effort.
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.<o:p></o:p>
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'<o:p></o:p>
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply. 'You're joking!' was the response.<o:p></o:p>
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'<o:p></o:p>
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'<o:p></o:p>
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.<o:p></o:p>
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!<o:p></o:p>
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'<o:p></o:p>
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'<o:p></o:p>
'Can you do two for me now?'<o:p></o:p>
'Sure, what do you want?'<o:p></o:p>
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'<o:p></o:p>
'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'<o:p></o:p>
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.<o:p></o:p>
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.<o:p></o:p>
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'<o:p></o:p>
Man drying himself after his shower Young son walks in and sees his pubic hair and asks what it is A little embarrssed, he quickly replies 'its my hedgehog' 'Are you sure its a hedgehog?' the son asks 'Of course I am' retorts the man, a little disgruntled at being questioned by the tot, 'Why do you ask?' 'For a hedgehog its got a fair size cock on it'
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