Postman Pat's Last Day:
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50. At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quid coin in the saucer. 'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?''Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'. He said, 'Fuck him.... Give him a quid.
She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'
I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, sqeezed my arse and said "Give me your phone number sexy".
I replied" Have you got a pen?"
She Smiled and said "Yes".
I replied "Well Fk off back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing.
Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try and persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night.
After several drinks that night they succeed.
Jack knows it's the time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this made him smile. The guys agreed that when they sat around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!
Winter is here and our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered freinds. There is no finer sight on a winters morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however it's a bit late in the year to expect a swallow.
Judge says "you are too young to go to prison and you seem to have too much time to waste so I am ordering you to get a job. If you do not have a job by the end of today, I will have you put into a young offenders institution".
So the lad goes to job centre where there is only one job vacancy "TURKEY WAING".
Lad asks if this right. "Oh yes" says the lady. "It's to do with artificial insemination - report to the farmer at that address and he will instruct you on what's required"
The lad meets the farmer who tells him to walk through the barn and go through the back door into the turkey pen. So he walks through and opens the back door. As he opens the door all the turkeys come running to him shouting Gobble Gobble Gobble. The lad says "YOU'RE GETTING A WK AND THAT'S IT!!!"
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to thehospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to seehim. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon."The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!""Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what'sthe good news?""The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's awoman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with thetransplant.""Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golfcourse when he bumped into the surgeon."Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon."Just great,"says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of mylife. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has reallyimproved.""That's great," said the surgeon."Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken uppainting landscapes in watercolors""Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear thetransplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?""Well, just one problem," said the golfer......."Every time I get an erection, I also get a fuckin' headache."
> Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out > for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. > > It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. > > Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ' Pierre , kiss me!' > > Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. > > 'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie. > > 'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red > wine!' She smiles and they start kissing. > > Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ' Pierre , kiss me > lower.' > > > > Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours > it on her breasts. ' Pierre ! Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks > the > bewildered Marie. > > 'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have > white wine!' She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude. > > Marie then leans close to his ear and whispers, ' Pierre , kiss me, > kiss me much lower!' > > > > Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on > her pubes........ > > He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and > dives into the River Seine. > > Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams > furiously, ' PIERRE , WHAT IN HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?' > > Our 'hero' stands and shouts defiantly, 'I am Pierre, French fighter > pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!' > >
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job."What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee."Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes."Easy as that", he says."When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck."Monday, 8:00 sharp!"Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says..."Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
Bottle of Merlot......... PRICELESS !A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and
7" inches in your trousers......After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in St Tropez and Marbella , and a 10,000 acre estate in Norfolk. There is over £200 million in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back.'
After both suffering with depression, my wife and I decided to commit suicide yesterday... but strangely enough after she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better and thought, fuck it! I'll try to make a go of it ...
After shagging a fat chick whilst i was drunk, the next morning i said to her "Here , if you want to see me again, call this number" She said " Aww men dont usually give me their numbers" I said " It's not mine, its weightwatchers"...
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