ANIMAL CRACKERS<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
A giraffe needs a long neck because its head is so far away from its body.<o:p></o:p>
The blue whale is over 31cm long.<o:p></o:p>
An optimist has eight legs.<o:p></o:p>
The equator is a menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.<o:p></o:p>
WEIRD SCIENCE<o:p></o:p>
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.<o:p></o:p>
When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.<o:p></o:p>
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. We need iron in our diet otherwise we would float away.<o:p></o:p>
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.<o:p></o:p>
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins and caterpillars.<o:p></o:p>
MEDICAL MARVELS<o:p></o:p>
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not, you expire.<o:p></o:p>
Germs are sort of small insects that swim in you when they can get in. Some are called measles but you can’t see them.<o:p></o:p>
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.<o:p></o:p>
For asphyxiation, you must apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.<o:p></o:p>
For drowning, climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.<o:p></o:p>
Terminal illness is when you are sick at the airport.<o:p></o:p>
A seizure is a Roman emperor.<o:p></o:p>
ON WHAT PLANET?<o:p></o:p>
The Earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.<o:p></o:p>
A planet is a body of earth which is surrounded by sky.<o:p></o:p>
The Earth is surrounded by the moon, sun, Mars and Penis.<o:p></o:p>
MAD MATHS<o:p></o:p>
The total is when you add up all the numbers and the remainder is an animal that pulls Santa on his sleigh.<o:p></o:p>
A line is a length of breath.<o:p></o:p>
A centimetre is an insect with a hundred legs.<o:p></o:p>
Symmetry is a place where you bury dead people.<o:p></o:p>
If it is less than 90 degrees it is a cute angle.<o:p></o:p>
HYSTERICAL HISTORY<o:p></o:p>
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.<o:p></o:p>
Joan of Arc was burned to a steak and canonised by Bernard Shaw.<o:p></o:p>
The Russian monk Rasputin was a pheasant by birth.<o:p></o:p>
King Henry VIII rode off on his white whores.<o:p></o:p>
In wartime, children in big cities had to be evaporated.<o:p></o:p>
Legendary William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.<o:p></o:p>
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west.<o:p></o:p>
French king Louis XVI was gelatined to death.<o:p></o:p>
One of the causes of the American Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. The colonists won and no longer had to pay for taxis.<o:p></o:p>
RIDICULOUS RELIGION<o:p></o:p>
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.<o:p></o:p>
The Hebrews are islands near the west coast of Scotland.<o:p></o:p>
King Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.<o:p></o:p>
Religious people must prey every day.<o:p></o:p>
WACKY WORLD<o:p></o:p>
The climate of the Sahara desert is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.<o:p></o:p>
Britain has a temporary climate.<o:p></o:p>
The general direction of the Alps is straight up.<o:p></o:p>
Russia and America became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent.<o:p></o:p>
The birth rate is high in Third World countries because of nothing else to do.<o:p></o:p>
This summer I went to Egypt and eyed the sphincter.<o:p></o:p>
ALL GREEK AND ROMAN<o:p></o:p>
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn’t have history.<o:p></o:p>
Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships with her face.<o:p></o:p>
Socrates died from a dose of wedlock.<o:p></o:p>
BC stands for Before Computers.<o:p></o:p>
MUSICAL MAYHEM<o:p></o:p>
Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English.<o:p></o:p>
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.<o:p></o:p>
PLAIN SPEAKING<o:p></o:p>
The Queen lives in a Pig house.<o:p></o:p>
There are a great many orgasms in a garden pond.<o:p></o:p>
I enjoyed my childhood and now I am looking forward to adultery.<o:p></o:p>
Agoraphobia is an intense fear of pubic places.<o:p></o:p>
MAD METAPHORS AND SILLY SIMILES<o:p></o:p>
McBride fell 12 storeys, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.<o:p></o:p>
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.<o:p></o:p>
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.<o:p></o:p>
Pandemonium not only reigned, but it poured.<o:p></o:p>
NOT QUITE WRITE<o:p></o:p>
John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.<o:p></o:p>
Fairytale is something that never happened a long time ago.<o:p></o:p>
In Lord of the Flies the boys are sorted out by a high Iraqi.<o:p></o:p>
LOGICAL REASON<o:p></o:p>
A graveyard is a place where dead people live.<o:p></o:p>
The Prime Minister has the power of disillusion.<o:p></o:p>The French word for “butter” is Lurpak.
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