Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken". It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River".
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics".
![Todays Horoscopes 5th November 2011 - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Todays Horoscopes 5th November 2011 - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
