a chuckle for you...
MAKE SURE YOU READ TO THE END.
Where do pets come from? A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased . And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.But after a month or so he begins to obsess about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him during sex.It's causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it."Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks."No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him."Another boyfriend, then?" he continues."No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear."Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured."No, no, no!!!" she answers."Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery
True Words Can't Make This Stuff Up<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p><!---
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. _____________________________________________________________ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15. Q: What year? A: Every year. ______________________________________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ______________________________________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. _________________________________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he does know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ______________________________________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? ______________________________________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ______________________________________________________________ Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ______________________________________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ______________________________________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ______________________________________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________________________________ Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? A: Yes. Q: What school did you go to? A: Oral. ______________________________________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ______________________________________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ______________________________________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practicing law somewhere.<o:p></o:p>
The Lolly test...A college professor was doing a study, testing the senses of first graders, by using a bowl of Lifesavers.He gave all the children the same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.The children began :"Red............cherry,""Yellow.........lemon,""Green..........lime,""<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Orange</st1:place></st1:City>........orange."Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavoured Lifesaver.After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste."Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her Lifesaver, and yelled, "Oh My God! Spit them out everyone. They're arseholes!"<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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