<wordtidy>A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to his local.He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie."She replied, ''Awe Jock that's nice, are you takin' me tae the pub wi' you?"''Nay," Jock replied, "I'm turning the heating off while I'm oot.''
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
"Why do you make the sign of the cross whenever you leave the house? I didn't know you were religious." "I'm not, I'm just checking I've got everything: Spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll be lucky and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back and frustratingly, shouts out: "Fuck, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A blonde, who had just dyed her hair auburn went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.
"There's your problem, Lady, your finger's broken!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep. A few hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says, "Someone stole our tent!"
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up and lock the door." So they do this and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other. One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world. Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.
At two-thirty in the morning a man is woken up by the door bell, he goes downstairs, opens the door and there's a man standing on his doormat who asks him if he could give him a push, the man replies "no I fucking can't! not at two-thirty in the morning!" And slams the door on him.
He gets back into bed and his wife asks him who it was, he tells her "it was some tosser, looking for a push" his wife however is furious and reminds him how they had broken down once late at night and had to ask someone to give them a push and that they would have never been able to get home if it wasn't for the man who helped them.
He sighs, puts on his coat and slippers walks back downstairs and opens the door, the man isn't there anymore, so he shouts into the darkness "hey! do you still want a push?"
Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.
St. Peter met Arthur at the gates told said, “Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?”
Arthur said, “Yeah, that's me...” God commented: “Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?”
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but he finally spoke, “Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?” “Well, yes,” Said God, “I am, your point is…?” “Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. • There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension • It chatters constantly at high speeds • Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much • The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and • The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
“Hmmmmm,” pondered God, “you may have some good points there. Hold on …” and God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention has its flaws,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFEAND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.''WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'
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