I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.' ----------------------- This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. ------------------------ I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' ----------------------- I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.' ---------------------------- I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End' --------------------------- I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.' ------------------------------ I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?' -------------------------- My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel. ------------------------ I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.' --------------------------- I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R. ---------------------------- I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down. ---------------------------- I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. ---------------------------
Thanks Karey! The man was pure genius...
One of my faves: I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my dad did, not shouting and screaming like his passengers.
Why is it when you got AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! in a library everyone goes SSSHHHH But do it on a plane and everyone joins in.
I went to the doctors the other day day and I said it hurts when I do this. Well don't do it he said.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already
I was out in my car the other day and a man came up to me and said can you give me a lift. I said to him you're a wonderful person, the worlds your oyster.
Seen him on stage once, He had his little stand and a picket fence with a gate. if he didn't get a laugh he would just walk through the gate back to where he was standing, bought the house down.
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