Jack Shit is the only son of O. Shit and Awe Shit. O. Shit, the
fertilizer plant manager, married Awe Shit, who later ran the Kneedeep
Inn-Shit. Jack Shit eventually married Noe Shit, and they had six
children.
Holy Shit, their first son, di...ed
after childbirth. Then the twins, Deep Shit and Dip Shit. After the
twins came 2 daughters, Fulla Shit and Giva Shit. Their last childwas a
boy, Bull Shit.
Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, a high school
drop-out. Dip Shit married Lotta Shit and had a son that they named
Chicken Shit. Fulla Shit and Giva Shit married the Happens' boys. The
Shit-Happens children are; Dog Shit-Happens, Bird Shit-Happens, and
Horse Shit-Happens. Bull Shit married Pieca Shit and are still awaiting
Baby Shit.
So, the next time someone tells you that you don't
know Jack Shit, not only can you tell them you do know Jack Shit, but
you also know the whole family!
Another Blonde Joke . . . .
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
You are on a horse, galloping away at speed. On your right is a sharp drop, on your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.Directly in front of you is a kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.Behind you is a lion chasing you.What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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GET THE FU*K OF THE MERRY GO ROUND AND ACT YOUR AGE!!!
<o:p></o:p>
Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients & felt really guilty.No matter how much he tried,the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say,"Dave dont worry about it.U aren't the first Doctor 2 sleep with one of Yr patients & U won't B the last.& Yr single.Just let it go".But invariably the other voice would bring him back 2 reality,whispering,"Dave,Yr a f*cking vet!!!".
Nice one pmsl.
I was driving the other day and a woman driver slammed her brakes on and I ran into the rear of her car. She got out and so did I and she yelled " Fancy ramming me from behind" , and thats where the misunderstanding started your honour.
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six doublevodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.""Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six doublevodkas.The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
A guy dies whilst making love to his
wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband
still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut
it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On
the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time
and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It
f***ing hurts doesn't it!"
A bloke walks up to a bird in a nightclub and says, "Hi my name's Bond"
"Don't tell me" she say's "it's James!"
"No, it's Uni and i'm here to fill yer crack".
It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!
A little girl asks her Mum,"Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Her Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
how Do you circumcise a Hillbilly...... ? Kick his sister in the jaw....!
Eric and Tim are having gay sex.
"I've got Aids" says Eric.
What!" cries Tim.
"Not really" says Tim, "i just like the way your arse tightens when i say it".
Two pregnant woman are sitting together knitting baby clothes. The first woman says,
"I hope mine is a boy because I've only got blue wool."
The second woman says,
"I hope mine is a spastic because I've f!$%ed the arms up."
Got an invitation......... to the annual dinner of the Premature Ejaculation Sufferers. I asked them if there was any dress code, "No" they said, "just come in your pants".
A bloke is up a ladder pasting a poster outside a cinema.
An old woman walks up to him and says "Excuse me, is Superman coming?"
The man says "No love, it's just the paste dripping off the brush!"
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Scouser walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... you know, I just HATE being on benefit, I'd
really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymph0man1ac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her 53xual urges.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year".
The Scouser says, "You're bu115hittin' me!"
Social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it.
Viagra' is now available in powder form for your coffee.
It doesn't necessarily enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
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