Paddy's wife is involved in bad car crash. In hospital she is just talking gobbledy gook. The worried Doctor asks Paddy, "is she fully compus mentos "? "No" says Paddy," is she f**k !" " She's just third party, fire and theft "
Ive got a difficult choice to make between my two girlfriends. Do i choose the one that loves anal or the one with the massive tits ?
It's shit or bust !!
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?""Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar."Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.""Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight –then, nothing but silence!Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5ཇ'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.''Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. 15 in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that, and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.'How do you feel now,' she purred.'OK' I replied.Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet!She whispered, "Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect twat?""I certainly have," I answered, "I missed the fuckin' kick."
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good.. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge. Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Anita was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks.Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper.Anita wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed."Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs."Can I help you?" Anita asked.He said, "I am the man of your dreams!"Anita was baffled. She said, "Excuse me.""I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you.""But are you good in bed?" Anita asked.He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?"
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.Blair was quick to stop him, jokingly saying "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you, Mr.Cameron?"Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
1 Inch , are you taking the piss ?
2 Inch- I cant even hold it properley !
3 Inch- Never been so insatisfied in my life !
4 Inch- Ive had bigger
5 Inch- Good but not good enough !
6 Inch- About right !
8 Inch- F........Perfect !
10 Inch- Its hurting my insides !
12 Inch - Im absolutely f.......destroyed!
How do you rate your Domino Pizza ?
Paddy is in a disco, he ask's girl "How about a shag" She replies "i'm on my menstrual cycle". "Great" says paddy "i'm on my scooter, i'll follow u home!
A drunk walks out of a bar, with a key in his hand, & hes stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can i help you Sir ?" he asks..
"Yesssh !" Ssssssssomebody sssstole my carrrr ! the man replies..
The cop asks " Where was your car the last time you saw it ?"
"It wasss on the end of thissss key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the mans todger hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man " Sir, are you aware that you exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat blurts out.
"Holy Shit !!!. My girlfriends gone too!!!"...
In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using a sheep's bladder.However,in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first
There was a question in my Biology test which asked us to draw the female reproductive organ.
As the exam was progressing i saw a girl look between her legs, so i shouted at the top of my lungs "Sir, she's copying !!!!"
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