If I was ever asked to rate a truly beautiful woman I could still only rate her as a 9.
When confronted with a perfect 10, I find it hard not to knock One Off.
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.(Like THAT makes sense.)In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.(Do they look different reversed?Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.(A brick?)The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.(Much worse than 'going blind!')There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first timeReason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.(Let's just think for a minute, is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.(No golf clubs . .. . I hear a 3 iron works well)The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.(Ah! Justice!)In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.(Makes one shudder at the thought.)In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.(I have to ask if this is possible given that men cannot multi-task!)(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)In Maryland, USA, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'(Is this a great country or what? Well, .... not as great as Guam !)Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.(Who volunteers for these tests?)The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.(From drinking little bottles of ???)(Did our government pay for this research?)Butterflies taste with their feet..(Ah, jeez.)An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)Starfish don't have brains.(I know some people like that, too!)And, I have saved the best for last?Turtles can breathe through their arseholes.(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)Thank you all for reading this.If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam.
Eight year old Jenny brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's.However, her teacher had written across the bottom:"Jenny is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school but I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."Jenny's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Jenny because I would like to try it out on her mother.
Man has a sex change to become a woman. His mate says, "Didn't it hurt when they chopped your willy and balls off ?". He replied "Not as much as when they shrank my brain and widened my gob !".........
Two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.“No doubt about it,” the new deputy said, “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”“You’re right,” the experienced deputy replied. “But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say, ‘it could have been worse’.”“No way. You’re on.”The old sheriff arrived at the scene. “No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide.” After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.“But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.”The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse.”“Yes, it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!”
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. "Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy - they have sex with men for money...." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.
The owner of a golf course in Canterbury was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Canterbury and I need some help.If I were to give you £20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?.
seen in the agony aunt section of the local newspaper :
Dear Deirdrie, My boyfreind told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didnt beleive him, but as he is a medical student, I was persuaded to at least give it a try. So after smearing his huge organ with baby oil, he slid into me with little resistance and not much pain for me.After riding me hard for about 30 mins, he shot his load deep into my back passage. This morning he rang me asking if we can try it again as he is still constipated, what should I do?
I was shocked to see my well fit divorced neighbour knocking on my door last night. "Im so horny that i cant stand it ". she said. " I want to go out, get drunk,and get a good hard shag. Are you free tonight "? "Feckin right " i replied enthusiastically.
"Wonderful" she said.
"Would you watch my kids ?"....
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