An irate man storms into a bar waving a loaded gun around and shouting " Right, Who's been shagging my wife?" A little voice from behind the counter shouts back "You haven't got enough bullets" ...
On a durex m/c in Ladies toilets a few years back:
Certified to BS***
underneath--- So was the Titanic
underneath--Ahh but there's no icebergs where this is going
What particularly made me pmsl was the fact that it was my girlfriend at the time who came out with tears of laughter streamin down her face and
she was a 18 year old DEVOUT Roman Catholic!
Paul, Andy & Steve were sitting around a camp fire, discussing who was the hardest. Paul say's" I killed a bear with my bare hands", Steve says "I wrestled 2 adult croc's ,gauged their eyes out & killed them both " Andy just sat their saying nothing, poking the fire
with his cock............
Man sits next 2 a guy with a dog on a plane & asks is he a guide dog ? . No im a drugs officer, hes a sniffer dog, watch this & says to the dog, 'Search'.
The dog goes off and comes back and puts 1 paw on his lap. 'Heroin' the guys says and makes a note of the passenger. The dog comes back again and puts 2 paws on his lap. 'Coke' the guy says.
The dog comes back again and shits all over the seat. What the fk does that mean ? the man asks. 'He's found a fg bomb....
The girlfriend brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if i wanted some. "How hard is it ? " i asked .
She cheekily replied , "As hard as your cock when your thinking about me naked!" I said " Go on then, pour me a glass "
As i was saying..i was about to go speed dating so decided to ask mate for advice. He said just agree to anything she says. So got there sat down. Gorgeouse blonde sits down and says. I just have to come staight out with it so no miss understandings. I love to suck cock and take it up the arse. I said me too.!!
Got thrown out of the chemist's this morning- i only asked the bird behind the counter "Do you take it up the arse love or do you swallow?. She went absolutely mental !!
I still dont know what to do with this fg suppository !!
There's no pleasing some women. the wife asked me if her Appendix scar made her look ugly ?
Apparantly, "don't worry love your tits cover it" wasn't what she wanted to hear..
Blonde goes to slimming club can you help me loose weight"
Consultant weighs her,checks diet sheet etc says "Right you can loose 2 stone of useless flab in 2 minutes"
"How?!!"
"Cut your head off"
I told my wife i was going to make a car out of Spaghetti... she said "Dont be so Fg stupid and grow up. You should have seen her face when i drove pasta...
A man's wife hits him across the head. He says "What was that for ?" She says " I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it" Quick as a flash he says " Thats the name of a horse i bet on, you silly cow" - she apologises.
Aweek later she hits him over the head with a frying pan !. He says , "What the fk was that for?". She replies , "Your FG horse phoned !"
A man goes to the doctors with a strange complaint, he claims when hebreaks wind it sounds like a Japanese motorcycle. The doctor asks him if his diet has changed recently. Not really says the man, but a friend brought me an exotic drink from his last visit to Belgium. He couldn't remember what it was called, but it was green and tasted of aniseed. The doctor suddenly smiled and said, 'is it by any chance absinthe?' Yes said the man, now you mention it, it is. Do you know what the problem is? Yes said the doctor, it's quite rare, but sometimes ABSINTHE MAKES THR FART GO HONDA!
A Penis says to his balls... "Right lads, get ready and i'll take you to a party" , the balls reply "You are a fekin liar you always go inside and leave us outside banging on the back door"
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