Paddy went to the doctors complaining of a bad back, the Doctor asks him, "how did you do it?
"Having sex doggie fashion" said Paddy
"why don't you try the normal position?" asks the Doctor
"I have said" Paddy, "but the dog keeps licking my face!"
I was out walking my dog earlier when an old granny shouted " You make sure that you pick that shit up you dirty bastard"
" Calm down love " I replied " let me wipe me fuckin arse first "
Mr & Mrs Blobby are in bed. Mrs Blobby says, .......... "blib blob bobble blub bibbly bob blubbly blib" Mr Blobby says, "stop pissing about and just fucking swallow it!"
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?" "Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog." "And?" prompted the doctor. "Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick." "It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
An elephant asks a camel, "why are your tits on your back?" The camel replies, "I think that's a bit inappropriate considering your dick is on your face!"
Greek possport control officer calls the next passenger up to the desk.
"Nationality" he asks.
"German" come the reply.
"Occupation" asks the officer.
"No just a holiday" says the german.
I was walking down the road when I saw a woman holding a placard that read. "Women are not just sexual objects - Honk if you agree!"
So I squeezed one of her tits and said "Honk"
I came home drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she asked, staring at me.
"Nothing" I slurred
"Look at me" she shouted, "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?"
I paused for a second and said, "It's you, I can tell by the voice"
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women, they are bringing together the Clio and the Taurus, they are calling it the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and it's assumed that the average male car thief won't be able to find it, EVEN if someone tells them where it is
I stopped my car beside a prositute last night.
As she got in, I asked, "How much for a blow job?"
She said "Thirty quid"
I said "Can you do Twenty"
"Yeah ok" she replied
I said " Great, here's £600 then"
Jack Jones In: Lincolnshire Bas
Posts: 1468
Karma:
Petrol tanker drivers are going on strike, saying they want more money for the danger of driving about with thousands of gallons of highly explosive liquid attached to their backs. A Shell spokesman said; "There are thousands of Muslims out there who would kill for a job like that!"
A lttle boy asks his dad "where does poo come from dad?"
His day explains "well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".
"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?".
An old man & his grandsonwent into a bookies.
The boy asks his grandpa if he could put a bet .
"If you can touch your arsehole with your dick, you can have a bet." says the grandad.
"I can't" says the lad.
"Well you're not old enough."
So the boy goes next door, buys a scratch card & wins 50 grand! His grandpa suggests they split the winnings 50-50.
"Can you touch your arse with your dick"? asks the boy.
"Yes!" shouts grandpa.
"Well go fuck yourself !!
There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?" "Why
don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend.
"You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will
see you." "OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling h*rny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab. He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?" "No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."
A very handsome, well muscled young man was out of work. His bills were piling up so he decided to place an ad in the local paper offering his 'services': In bed - £100 On the sofa - £50 On the floor - £25. The very next day there was a knock at his door and there stood an old dear - all wrapped up against the cold. He was touched at the thought that she might not have enjoyed the pleasure of a man for many years. Having counted the money she gave him he said: "This is £100. You want to do it in bed sweetheart?" The little old lady replied "Don't be so f'g naive! I wanna do it four times on the floor!"
It's Christmas time and the binmen are collecting their tips. One chap empties the bin and knocks on the door of the house.
A good looking woman answers the door, pulls the chap inside, strips him completely naked, throws him on the floor and has her way with him.
When it is all over and the chap is zipping up his trousers, the woman hands him a pound.
What's this for, asks the binman.
Well, she replies, I asked my husband whether we should give you a fiver tip, like we do every year, but he said "Fuck 'em - give 'em a pound"!
I rang Babestation the other night and the woman said " Hi sexy, what can I do for you?
I said "Fucking hide, my wife's coming and i've lost the remote"
A woman comes home to find her husband in bed with a female midget!
Furious, she screams "you promised you wouldn't cheat again"
The husband replies "For fuck sake, can't you see i'm trying to cut down?"
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