HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL ***************************
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Speak to cat soothingly. Position left forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, smoothly pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Speak to cat soothingly. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat Step 1.
3. Retrieve cat from under bed, take a deep breath, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws firmly with left hand. Speak to cat soothingly. Gently pull cat's jaws open and push pill to back of the mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Apply plaster to lacerated fingertip. Call partner from garden to assist. Do not speak to cat.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while slipping wooden ruler into mouth. Roll pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair shredded curtains. Carefully sweep shattered priceless figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Look at cat sternly.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil, insert drinking straw into cat's mouth, and quickly blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill you just swallowed is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply bandage to partner's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Throw nearest heavy object at cat.
10. Retrieve cat from inside neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and slam door onto neck, to leave head protruding. Pry cat's mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubberband.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------g cat from the telegraph pole across the street. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. It is OK to yell angrily at cat now.
13. Tie the little b------'s front paws to rear paws with duct tape and stick tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Ram pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold cat's head vertically and pour 1 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill fragments from right eye. Stop in at furniture shop on way home to order new dining room suite.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect Mutant Cat from Hell, and call local pet shop to see if they have any introverted budgies in stock.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL ***************************
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