How do these people survive?
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Asda with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant corner shop) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an office junior who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 999 very worried asking the operator if she needs to take her child to accident and emergency, the child had eaten ants. The operator tells her to give the child some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Operator: 'The ambulance is on its way!'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!! Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...
One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials forn his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "F****** h***! A talking pig!"
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
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In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
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In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
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In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
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Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
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Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
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And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!
quote:I was checking out at the local Asda with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
o yeah, i remember that day had me mind on other things
you dont expect me to keep me mind on checkin out items do ya!
THIS GUY MAKES A GOOD POINT This was written by a rigworker - he makes a lot of sense!
In order to earn a wage, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor. I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem.
I work, they pay me. I then pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a benefit cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
I have no problem with helping people in need. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their arse drinking beer and smoking dope.
Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a benefits?
Can you imagine the panic in the dole queue ha ha ha
johnnytb THIS GUY MAKES A GOOD POINT This was written by a rigworker - he makes a lot of sense!
think i'm right in sayin we should avoid talkin 'politics and religion'
but can't resist supportin this post
good intention has now gone a step too far,has been taken advantage of, and is insustainable "
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?''I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?''Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!''Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?''Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and apint of bitter.Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to theCounter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.' Operator: 'What sort of trouble??' Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' Operator: 'Went away?' Caller: 'They disappeared.' Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?' Caller: 'Nothing.' Operator: 'Nothing??' Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??' Caller: 'How do I tell?' Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??' Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?' Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??' Caller: 'What's a monitor?' Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??' Caller: 'I don't know.' Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: 'Yes, it is.'Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??' Caller: 'No.'Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' Caller: 'I can't reach.'Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'Caller: 'No.'Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??' Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'Operator: 'Dark??'Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. ' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'Caller: 'I can't.'Operator: 'No? Why not??'Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.' Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??' Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.' Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??' Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
Actual dialog from a Welsh caller to a directory enquiries Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'. Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?' Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
OK back to the truisms!
When every thing is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Repairmen have the inbuilt ability to call just when you have popped out for two minutes.
Toast will not brown while you are watching it. Glance away and it turns into smoking charcoal.
Eagles may soar, but worms don't get sucked into jet engines.
If you want visitors ~ don't vacuum.
Bills travel twice as fast as cheques.
The light at the end of the tunnel usually turns out to be the headlight of an oncoming train.
Friends come and go. Enemies accumulate.
Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Success usually occurs in private and failure in public.
Friends are people who like you even after they get to know you.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A wife starts off by saying " I love everything about you", spends the next twenty years changing you then says, "you're not the man I married".
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that no one appreciates how difficult it was.
The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.
A clear conscience is often a sign of a poor memory.
Children are not very good at listening to their elders, but have no hesitation in copying them.
The people in country music songs are always worse off than you.
Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Anything that can become tangled around something else will.
A conscience is what hurts when the rest of you feels good.
Nothing is fool-proof. There are some very talented fools out there.
People don't usually look for truth. Just some one to agree with them.
There are 8 women who are supermodels and 3 billion who are not.
You don't own a cat. It adopts you.
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
Tell a man that the universe is 600 billion light years wide and he'll believe you. Tell him the paint is wet and he'll have to touch it.
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