Why is a Christmas Tree Better then a Man ?
A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
THE STAFF CHRISTMAS PARTY AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF HR
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director. TO: All Employees DATE: 1st November 2008 RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your Family. Pauline
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 2nd November 2008 RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Pauline.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 6th November 2008 RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Pauline. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 7th November 2008 RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! Pauline.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director TO: All F****** Employees DATE: 8 November 2008 RE: The F******* Holiday Party.
Vegetarian p*****s I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die. The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 9th November 2008 RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay. John.
A Politically Correct Christmas PoemTwas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the North Pole,were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clear,that Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh, because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,And millions of people were calling the Cops, when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened, and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose. He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz, demanding from now on that her title was Ms.And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notionthat making a choice could cause such commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific, Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,for they raised the hackles of those psychological,who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,he just couldn't figure out what to do next?He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he might,give to us all, without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,each group of people in every religion.Every race, every hue,everyone, everywhere...even you!So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth..."MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"
Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged
Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia -- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and.....
Paranoid -- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder -- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
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