A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.''I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don'tmind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?''Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck'spint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are youdoing round this way?''I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.'I'm a plasterer.'The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learnmore, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from hisbag and proceeds to read it.So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bidsthe barman good day and leaves.The same thing happens for two weeks.Then one day the circus comes to town.The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that couldbe just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eatssandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!''Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his businesscard. 'Get him to give me a call.'So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'HeyMr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really goodmoney.''I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?''At the circus,' says the barman.'The circus?' repeats the duck.'That's right,' replies the barman.'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?''Yeah,' the barman replies.'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live incaravans?' says the duck.'Of course,' the barman replies.'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in themiddle?' persists the duck.'That's right!' says the barman..The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ....' What the f*** would they want with a plasterer???.
A mother is driving her daughter to her friend's house for a play date. 'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.'
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. ~~~ Well, there's a very simple answer. ~~~Nobody bothered to check the oil. ~~~We just didn't know we were getting low. ~~~The reason for that is purely geographical. ~~~<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Our OIL is located in The North Sea~~~ OurDIPSTICKSare located in<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Westminster!</st1:place></st1:City>
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I'm being held in this office against my will!
Just waiting for my knight in shining armour black leather to come rescue me...
*drums fingers impatiently on desk*
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