"Woman - A Chemical Analysis" Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discovered by: Adam Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg Occurrences: Copious quantities in all urban areas. Physical Properties: Surface usually covered in painted film. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. Yields if pressure applied in correct places. Chemical Properties: Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. Common Uses: Highly ornamental, especially in social surroundings. Can be a great aid to relaxation. Very effective cleaning agent. Tests: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Hazards: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other. Should you experience frequent ear ache or heart palpitations, discontinue use immediately. Retire to pub for further reflection & advice from fellow sufferers. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
MEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: MAN SYMBOL: Ego DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs. ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs. OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars". Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others.
Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense.
Melts if treated like a God.
Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.
May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.
When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6.
Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Is impervious to embarrassment.
Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.
Actually... I think I like this version better ;o)
C.O.S.H.H. REGULATIONS 1988HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATA SHEETCHEMICAL ANALYSISSubstance: ManSymbol: M+ (Free radical most desirable)Discoverer: EveAtomic Mass: Accepted as 65 Kg, but there are known isotopes ranging from 55 Kg to 115 KgOccurrence: Large quantities in urban areas, with traces found in most other areasPHYSICAL PROPERTIES1. Surface normally covered in grease and fur oxidase except at apex of specimen2. Surface liable to tarnish, stain and attract dirt.3. Pungent or stale odour.4. Usually inert, but correct stimulus can promote a reaction.5. Yields if pressure applied in the correct manner, explodes under strain.6. Bitter if used incorrectly, sours with age but can sometimes be sweetened up.7. Found in various grades, ranging from virgin grade to base material, but pure specimens hard to find nowadays.8. Not one of the ‘noble elements’ (usually found in combination with Woman).CHEMICAL PROPERTIES1. Great affinity to alcohol (ethanol).2. Capable of liberating quantities of expensive substances if treated correctly.3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a female.4. Softens and wilts when soaked in hot water, greater rigidity at cooler temperatures.5. Insoluble in liquids, especially inert after saturation in alcohol (athough this state is preceded by an initial and noisy period of increased activity).6. The most powerful money producing agent known to woman. High valency - capable of multiple bonds with Woman.COMMON USES1. Highly ornamental - especially during Match of the Day or Formula One racing.2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.TESTS1. Pure specimens turn pale and shrivel when discovered in the natural state.2. Behaves erratically when placed alongside a superior specimen.3. Localised expansion and rigidity when excited.HAZARDS1. Dangerous in inexperienced hands - unpredictable when activated2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen (great care must be taken when handling multiple specimens).3. May induce swelling if suitable handling precautions are not taken.CONTAMINATION PROCEDURE1. If contaminated, the services of a skilled lawyer must be sought.
Here y'are then:
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo Discoverer :Adam
Quantitative analysis:
Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 through 60-55-60 have been identified.
Occurrence:
Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic single state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
Physical properties:
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredicatble. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in many states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted coins and sports cars. In its natural state the specimen varies considerably, but is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.
Chemical properties:
Has great affinity for Au, Ag, and C (especially in the crystalline form). May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extermely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage:
The best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.
Uses:
Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on cold nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
Tests:
Specimen turns rosey tint if discovered in raw natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
Caution:
Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to posess more tha one permanent specimen, although a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
I'm still waiting for TC's impression of my profile pic... perhaps you can beat him to it XK?
(Used to have a mate whose firm was called XTC... they did sound/lighting system hire/supply for raves etc... subtlety was not his strong point)
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