MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINEA new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:"Please note that this Bank is installing newDrive-through ATM machinesenabling customers to withdraw cashwithout leaving their vehicles.Customers using this new facility arerequested to use the procedures outlinedbelow when accessing their accounts.""After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."MALE PROCEDURE:1. Drive up to the cash machine.2. Put down your car window.3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.6. Put window up.7. Drive off.FEMALE PROCEDURE:1. Drive up to cash machine.2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.3. Set parking brake, put the window down.4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.6. Attempt to insert card into machine.7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.8. Insert card.9. Re-insert card the right way.10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.11. Enter PIN.12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.13. Enter amount of cash required.14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.15. Retrieve cash and receipt.16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.18. Re-check makeup.19. Drive forward 2 feet.20. Reverse back to cash machine.21. Retrieve card.22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.25. Redial person on cellphone.26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.27. Release Parking Brake.
Why you have agony aunts (not uncles)Dear WalterI hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven morethan a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. WhenI got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighboursdaughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I wouldleave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him verymuch, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.Can you please help?Sincerely, Sheila******************************Dear Sheila:A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is nodebris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.I hope this helps,Walter
True story ....
Having fallen hopelessly in love with my ex (what a fool I was), I wanted to know that she was alright when I was not around and that she could contact me whenever she needed to and I, her.
So I bought her a mobile phone.
This is when I discovered the tardis nature of the LHB (Lady's Hand Bag). Each time I rang her, it would simply ring and ring until going onto the answer phone. She would also ring me with a similar regularity and so I knew that both the phone was working and that she was using it.
So, I asked her why she never answered it. I knew it was switched on as otherwise it would go straight to the answer phone rather than ringing.
She claimed not to hear it.
This went on for several months, until one day we were both out shopping and I began to hear a very faint ringing sound (this was before the day she punched me in the ear and so was not due to any head injuries or similar!). After a few seconds the ringing stopped, only to start again a few minutes later.
So, I asked her if her phone was ringing. After five minutes searching through the "Chasm of Junk" that was her hand bag, she located her phone and found that it had indeed been ringing.
Suddenly the riddle was answered!! Her reason for not hearing when I phoned was simple, her phone was buried at the bottom of her hand bag.
There was an answer however. (Despite the obvious one of getting a smaller hand bag and removing the 90% of the contents that she clearly didn't need, but even with my martial arts training I wasn't brave enough to suggest this to a woman!)
That following weekend I spent over two hours with her in the phone shop choosing a new phone. The criteria were simple ... she had to of course like the phone, but also it had to be as loud as a phone could possibly be .... believe me, not simple criteria to meet!
However, I had success. I found a phone that she liked and more importantly as far as I was concerned, it was louder than her old phone.
Unfortunately, my success was short lived. Three days later, she bought a bigger hand bag ......... I gave in!
Oh dear Geoff...sorry but that did make me chuckle.
I never understand why some women carry round a handbag the size of a suitcase...maybe I'm just lazy!
I went shopping with some friends earlier this year and one picked up this HUGE tricolour square thing. The other woman was cooing over it, saying how lovely it was and how the three colours (black, brown and cream) would mean it would go with anything....and you'd fit everything in it...blah blah blah - my eyes glazed over at this point!!! lol!
ohh dear Geoff..... I tend to keep to a small handbag IF i take one.. usually jus stuff purse, mobile, keys, few other small items in my pockets...
I much prefer my fone in my pocket anyway..and its ALWAYS on vibrate !
Only use for a big handbag is if brakes fail on bike can use it as a air brake to slow you down.
So long as she hangs on tight and dosn't parachute of the back
I think Biker Girls and Female Cadets both learn the lesson of minimalising kit.
The Bikers realise they can only have what they can fit in the saddlebags/panniers and they have to pack their own. The Cadets get all their useless kit flung aside by an irrate Flight Sergeant and then have to re-pack using one rucksack only, bearing in mind they must carry all their own kit for the whole 95 mile hike!!
Hard lessons are the best :D
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