Thanks Guys & Gals. Some very good replies and all varied yet a lot the same I'm not looking for justification as to why it ended. This relationship wasn't to be and that's that. I'm just about over it now.... NO I AM over it A classic case of one loving the other more than the other and that was it. I suppose it was a mutual need by both to be with and enjoy each others company on all levels.
Life, as it seem everyone says, Is too short. Personally I don't agree with that myself. Life for some is too long, whether it's because of age, loneliness, ill health, depression or you lost the thing you loved most in your life or whatever else come to that we can live upto 70 to 90 without too much of a problem these days, that is a long time to live with something that maybe didn't work out or to grieve for ?
However, what I was, or am looking for by posting this thread, are ways to learn from the experience by asking others for their thoughts on whether you can still be friends with an ex who wants to still be friends with you whom you may not have trusted entirely for one reason or another. Yes of course each relationship is different but all have at least two things in common, trust and love, and you need both for it to work.
I am still very good friends with a couple of my ex girlfriends and see them socially as friends, usually in mixed company or with their partners, however I don't think their partners know that I am their "ex"
I wouldn't want any of them to be run over by a truck but I wouldn't have minded if 1 or 2 of the new boyfriends that replaced me were run over by a truck lol
I agree ex's are ex's for a reason as long as its purely 'platonic' with no yearning.
This is where the trust come into play. Once bitten twice shy maybe ??
Next time round it will be a 50/50 partnership, up front, out in the open for all to see and hopefully I will have got to grips with my own insecurities by then because,,,, I AM OVER IT NOW Many thanks again
Q1. Can you still be friends with an ex after a break-up?
Yes it is possible - whether thats desireable is another issue ...
Q2. Why would you want to still be friends after a break-up if it was painful for you and they were with someone else?
Kids, they dont deserve to be part of any greif between the two of you ...
Q3. Would you like it, or go out with someone if they still saw their ex from time to time or were like best friends now ?
Yes, trust has to be the basis of any relationship - gotta trust each other !
Q4. Would you still see your ex (maybe in secrete) if your new partner didn't want you to, or didn't like it if you still saw or went out with them (unless young children are involved) ?
No, I'd never do anything in secret - all out in the open: if she didnt like that I was friends with an ex, then there may be other questions to address (see q3)
The only one that would be a negative response is Q4 all the rest are yes.
My ex is in fact my all time best-friend. He knows everything about me and I him, we have full on conversations about pretty much all subjects (yup even the ickee ones lol). It took us a while to get to the point where we could be friends, there was some serious water that had to pass under the proverbial bridge so to speak but we got there and we have never looked back. There is no longer any heavy 'emotional' attachments.
If the man in my life (not that there is one at the moment lol) asked me NOT to see/speak to him then I would seriously have to consider it of course, but it would depend on the reasons I was being asked. I would defo take their feelings into account and have a serious think about it all. Maybe even pose the question to them as to whether they would have a problem if my 'bestee-best' was a girl.
Think by the time u get to 40 u realise that life's too damned short and everything happens for a reason even if at the time u dont know why! I also realise that not everyone is as resilient as me and sometimes they just cant get over stuff....
Thankfully i have to be the luckiest lass alive with who has to be with the nicest loviest guy on the planet-3 months in and i'm still pinching myself and thanking my lucky stars! Perspective tells me that i've been thro all that trauma so that i can recognise and savour what has to be the most perfect relationship i've ever had! Think it helps that we were bloody good friends to start with and that we're even closer now still surprises me lol!
I still find it cringeworthy about the things i whinged about as friends tho lmao-note to all if u whinge to ur best mate about a bloke think whether you'll be embarassed by what u've shared should u get together lol!
I wouldnt change a thing :-) and thankfully bar the odd one or two i wouldnt take a shovel to any of them! But should a bloke ever try to force me to get rid of my bike again might just think about that one lol!
The problem with exes of old is that time makes u forget the trauma and can fool u into thinking u want them back-its only the 2nd time that u dont forget the reason why it didnt work out the first time and then u realise that u only thought u missed them :-) sometimes u still like the new packaging and the 'new but i've changed' but then when u take a bite u realise it still leaves the same bad taste in ur mouth... Just might take u a while to realise and say 'doh' go boooooo and then learn to laugh about it :-)
oh wow..wat a thread!
Fragglette you spot on.....
Trust with a new partner is paramount..
If u truly love someone it never entirely dies...a small part of you will care about them til the day you die and new partners if they have loved also, will understand, I feel.
Doesnt take anything away from the new partner,in fact should show them how U care and continue to care for those important in your life despite not being able to be with them still.
In my opinion we only ever really love a few times in our lives....the other relationships are just that...relationships, not loves....but we need to kiss a few frogs huh..even some frog relationships can leave you with lifelong friends.
I still occasionally see my first ever girlfriend (was 13 at time), we still have a hug when we see each other...and in my eyes she hasnt changed a bit.I would go out of my way to assist her in anything....even after 40yrs. Most of the others I have lost contact with as they were the frogs lol. That said...I'd be pleased to see any of them for a chat and know I could go along to meet them without any problem from my partner. TRUST and knowing you are the most important thing in someones life is the key to a strong happy relationship. I am lucky enough to have that now and I cldnt be happier.
i think yes, i am still friends with my ex. I also think that if young children are involved you have to stay friends as what happens to children does affect them as adults, and waring parents will effect later relationships the children have.
Yes I (and Ian) both have ex's who we are friends with lol Ian even comments how strange it is when he sees his ex wife and myself deep in conversation, have even been known to phone eachother to, and I have an ex from years ago who is one of my best friends.
However there are some times, usually as others have said and rightly when friendships are an impossibility , no matter how hard you try, and again people have hit it on the head with the comments that its usually cos (well in my cases) it was a one sided relationship that was not working for me, however he felt differently and although we tried being friends it soon became clear that he was hoping I would change my mind.
For a friendship to succeed, just like relationship it has to be something that both parties want.
I'm just about there now, things are a hell of lot easier now, still not had any contact with her. Thanks for the input peoples.
I dare say there are a few on here who wouldn't want to be friends with an ex but maybe don't feel comfortable talking about it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like that. There must be 1,000's who don't for what ever reason.
My ex wife of 2 1/2 years don't talk or see each other (was married for 29 years)
Oh well to infinity and beyonddddddddd and roll on the spring and summer and the rest of 2012
Q1. Can you still be friends with an ex after a break-up?
A: well that depends on how it ended, two ex girlfriends I am friends with ( infact one went onto marry my best mate! how wierd was that?) two I don't speak to but they ended very acrimoniously
Q2. Why would you want to still be friends after a break-up if it was painful for you and they were with someone else?
A: If there was infidelity as there was with ex wife, then no I'll never have contact with her again and she was told this after the first affair she had.
Q3. Would you like it, or go out with someone if they still saw their ex from time to time or were like best friends now ?
A: tricky one this, if you trust the person your with and the past relationship is dead then no problems its all about trusting the person your with, but if they still harbour feeling for the ex your on very dodgy ground
Q4.
Would you still see your ex (maybe in secrete) if your new partner
didn't want you to, or didn't like it if you still saw or went out with
them (unless young children are involved) ?
A: never see any one behind a current partners back, you should never lie in a relationship, where is the trust if you do, plus if your with some one they should come first.
Hi Fred , yeah , you can be friends with an ex , you can even sleep with an ex . But why would you want to. Pi55ing about in the past is just delaying the start of your future. An ex can only ever be an acquaintance . Any more than that requires an emotional input. Any emotional input by you , will dickup your future. Women move on a hell of a lot quicker than blokes ( a genetic necessity perhaps) they are social creatures, we are not. To a woman friendship with an ex may prove useful . To a man it's just a way to be used for no real benefit.
A dog would not listen to the advice of a fish on how to be a dog. So do not listen to the advice of women on this subject. We men are simple creatures , we can only do one thing at a time. You won't concentrate on finding a new lady, if you're still emotionally involved with your ex. ( not a problem that effects women , as you know)
Love and hate are just two sides of the same coin. That is to say , they both require your emotional involvement. The state of mind that you need to achieve is total indifference . I.e that woman is just some bird you used to know. Friends are friends coz they enjoy each other . Or doing stuff together or have common interests . Ask yourself . " what do I want to do with this woman that I wouldn't rather do with someone else ?" Answer = nothing.The truth is , she has nothing to offer you in the way of friendship. For the simple reason that she is not your friend and hasn't been for a while. She just wants to tell people you are still friends so no one thinks bad of her. Do yourself a favour ..ditch the bitch , After all she's just some bird you used to know...Dusty
TBH dustin666 I think we all got your point when you made it the first and indeed the second time.
You obviously harbour ill will to one, or more, ex's, but do not tar us all with the same brush. I say the same when my friends are busy slating men folk - there are many cloths from which folks are cut, as such no two are the same.
(Most lasses do not like being referred to as 'bird', just in case you hadn't picked up in this in normal societal interactions btw...)
Oh dear . I understand and agree with you Dustin thanks . I agree with and understand most of the other replies, although I don't agree with some of them.
This why I ask everyone and anyone who would like to comment with their own personal thoughts on this subject and to see if others felt the way I did (or maybe still do?)
I am very good friends with one ex who is in a loving relationship with someone else and I know she wouldn't cheat on him and he is happy that her & I are almost best friends. I loved her too, and still do but in the good friends sort of way but I respect her.
But as Dustin said, ""The truth is , she has nothing to offer you in the way of friendship"" This is sort of true in a way, she has moved on and married after only 3 months !! and come over to see me Its not her new man's fault I doubt if she told him she was coming over or when she got home?
It's possible she just wants to tell people we are still friends so no one thinks bad of her to enable her to return to the fold/bike club we both belong to. I still go btw.
Now,,, re ""Do yourself a favour ..ditch the bitch , After all she's just some bird you used to know.." I don't agree with that that isn't very PC or respectful imho..
I'm the one who is not making contact because it isn't going to get me anywhere.
Why would I/anyone want to be friends with someone whom you loved and had a secrete relationship with for over 2 year and then dumps you only to meet someone during the last month of that relationship, sleep with you while she's seeing the "new guy" only to marry him 3 months later, turn up on your doorstep 3 or 4 weeks after the wedding to tell you she's expecting their baby ??? confused.com or what ??
I think I've answered my own question some time ago but not disclosed all the sordid details
In this instance the answer for me is no I can't and don't want to see her or be friends with this ex. I am moving on, looking forward to the future, but for now it has left a seed of doubt in my mind that the next relationship may go the same way.
It is all a matter of trust, once you've been hurt or deceived its bound to make you wary, isn't it .
well Fred i hope your next relationship helps you regain trust in us lasses and is with someone worth your love hun
i think sometimes when we look back we realise that all the warning signs were there from teh start but we dont want to listen to em.. though i know we are all different
i wish you a really brill, happy and fulfilling 2012 and im sure you will meet that lass that can spark your inner fires and help keep them burning not put them out - just get out there and put yourself first for a bit... seems like you already got it pretty sussed hun... so keep on your journey...
Love, affection, fun, romance, laughing and understanding is about all I have to offer and if that's not enough,,,, then the next one doesn't deserve ME
Hello Fred ..
An interesting topic that has already shown how differently we humans think, feel and behave towards one another. It seems 'friendship' takes on many forms and is open to all kinds of interpretation. There have been many valid points made in response to your questions, all of which reflect a slightly different take on matters..
In my humble opinion (clears throat)..
Q1. Can you still be friends with your ex after a break up?
Yes to some extent. I guess that depends on what kind of friendship your ex expects from you (vice versa) following a break up. No harm in a friendly nod, or hello in passing. Better that, than waving two fingers ..
Q2. Why would you still want to be friends after a break up if it were painful for you & they were with someone else?
Thats easy.. I wouldn't
Q3. Would you like it, or go out with someone if they saw their ex from time to time, or were like best friends now?
Oh please.. once a relationship has come to an end ,, emotions aside .. It is just that..
It is a point when both parties are likely to have exhausted all avenues and agreed they're no longer compatible. I have to be honest and say (depending on individual circumstances) that requesting, or wanting to pursue 'friendship' thereafter is not far short of a p1ss take..
As for being 'best friends'.. if you've started a new relationship then surely its only right that you concentrate your efforts on the person you're with in that respect.. Meeting up for drinks, dinner, phonecalls, text messages. Whats that all about? Is that not in someway making a mockery of your existing relationship, or is it just me? (answers on a postcard please)
Q4 Would you still see your ex (maybe in secret) if your new partner didn't want you to , or didn't like it if you still saw or went out with them (unless children are involved)?
Whether there are children involved or not.. Absolutely not. Draw the line, have done & get rid. Yes be courteous, decent and polite to one another and resolve any indifferences away from the children (or any other ears that may be flapping in the wind). If there are 'genuine' reasons why two former partners need to meet in secret then its a pretty sad affair all round. Nothing good comes from lies and deceit. Start as you mean to go on.
Hats off to all those lovely biker peeps and their unconditional Love Love Love .. and very apt with Valentine's day approaching .. You're in a better place x Big hugs
I was with my ex for over 30years and I could never hate her despite the pain she caused me. When she cleared off, she left me with our son aged just 10 so it was vital for us to somehow get along. I'm not sure that I would class us as friends but we do talk when we meet for any reason or just by chance. That covers 1 & 2.
3 If you don't trust a current partner, what are you doing being with her/him. 4 Read 3! LOL
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