The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria andhave therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "ABit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the SpanishArmada.The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get theBastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they havebeen used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terroralert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent firethat destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing thecountry's military capability.Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective CombatOperations" and "Change Sides."The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higherlevels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threatthey are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navycan get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to"She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I thinkwe'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie iscancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last finalescalation level.And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are gettingaggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5." The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Officer's Mess, it has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah." Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a fuckin' tie!"
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