Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You'll accidentally eat one of those fried Szechwan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This is a good time to start becoming a connoisseur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connoisseur overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingie". While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance...
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what's wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter "nothing, it's nothing".
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute".
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II".
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It's a good idea to take up a new hobby, if you want to make yourself a more interesting person at parties. In your case, I recommend welding.
No mention of rice in these blackagain, or should I refer to you by your original site name Mandy_original_1...hope you have an excellent day : )
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One must have standards, after all.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the Carbuncle", although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called "Yeopersons of the Carbuncle."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you should enjoy "postlaunch solarizing." Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It's your life, you tell me.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocket ship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It is a joyous time to vacuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil Asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vacuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realize that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
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