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Jokes, Games & Silly Things

over 18' only

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over 18' only

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A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said.

"Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

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Ragnar @ 10/11/2016 17:19  

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after their boss.
The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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Deleted Member @ 22/11/2016 22:22  

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

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Deleted Member @ 22/11/2016 22:26  

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired man sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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Deleted Member @ 22/11/2016 22:28  

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f***ing appendix out!"

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Deleted Member @ 22/11/2016 22:30  

This maths test can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.

Pick a number between 1 and 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3 to that number.

Multiply by 3 again.

Add the 2 digits together.

Now discover your favourite film!

3. Oliver Twist.

4. Star Wars.

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Grease.

9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep & Oiled-Up Lady Boys.

10. Mary Poppins.

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Deleted Member @ 22/11/2016 22:36  

Prince Charles was visiting a nursing home.

He asks a 93 year old lady, "Have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?"

She replies, "A couple of times. But I prefer being done up the arse on the sofa."

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Deleted Member @ 22/11/2016 22:39  

"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

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Deleted Member @ 22/11/2016 22:39  

3 men are captured by female savages and told their dicks would be removed, in a manner appropriate to their jobs.

1st was a lumberjack so his would be chopped off

2nd was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.

The 3rd man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny. He replied 'I work for dyson!"

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Deleted Member @ 22/11/2016 22:41  

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Well I lost my job as a Gynecologist today.

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Deleted Member @ 22/11/2016 22:45  

The sergeant major of a Scottish army regiment went into a chemist shop and placed a battered old condom on the counter. Pointing to at least half a dozen minor tears, he said: "How much would it cost to repair this condom?" The pharmacist looked at him in disbelief. "There's no point in repairing it. For a start it needs a thorough wash and to patch up all the holes would take the best part of a day. Why don't you just buy a new one?" The sergeant major said he would think about it. He returned to the shop the next day and said: "I'd like to buy one of your condoms." "Ah, so you've decided to take my advice?" said the pharmacist. "Aye, I had a word with the lads and they recon a new one would be a sound investment

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Ragnar @ 19/12/2016 14:41  

The Queen was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!" Said the Queen. "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains: "I'm sorry. Your Majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job."Oh my God," said the Queen. "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, Ma'am, better health plan."

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Ragnar @ 03/03/2017 20:47  

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a football match. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves and are really impressed. After the game they ask her: "How is it that you know so much about football?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and had a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut 'IT' off?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off your balls?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "What was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

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Ragnar @ 24/06/2017 21:13  

A businessman met a beautiful escort girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for £500. They did their thing and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.” On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price so he had his secretary send a check for £250 and enclose the following typed note: “Dear Madam: Enclosed find check in the amount of £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 – it had never been occupied: #2 – there was plenty of heat: #3 – it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat and that it was entirely too large.” Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for £250 with the following note: “Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

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Ragnar @ 28/06/2017 21:36  

A man buys a parrot from a pet shop and the shop owner warns him the parrot is from London and thinks he is a hardcore hooligan. For four days straight, the parrot is screeching, "I'm hard as fuck, I'm from London" and "What you looking at, you twat?"
The man, sick of this, wants to teach the parrot a lesson so he puts a crow in the parrot's cage and goes to bed.
In the morning he finds the crow dead and the parrot screeching: "I'm hard as fuck, I'm from London." So the man decides to put a big seagull in the cage with the parrot. He comes back down in the morning to find the seagull dead and the parrot chanting, "I'm as hard as fuck, I'm from London."
This time the man thought, "Fuck this!" And put a giant bald eagle in the cage. In the morning he looks at the cage and finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers. The parrot looks at him and says: "I had to take my jacket off for that bastard!

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Ragnar @ 14/12/2017 19:40  

God Said: "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said,
"Cross the river."
Adam said ..GOD .. "What's a river ??
God explained that to him, and then said,
"Go over to the Hill......"
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On The other side of the hill you will find a cave.."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river and over the hill, into the cave and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said....
"What's a Headache?

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Ragnar @ 03/01/2018 13:42  

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