On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream van hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!"
Fred and Wilma are laying in bed with Pebbles, Pebbles looks down and sees Fred's penis and says "What's that daddy" and Freddy says "Thats my rock" and then Pebbles thinks for a little while and then looks down again and sees Wilma’s vagina and says "mummy whats that?" and Wilma says "Thats my rock grinder"
Pebbles thinks for a while and then says "Ohooo I get it, so daddy puts his rock in mummy’s rock grinder and out comes Pebbles.
At the biker bar, an old biker leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar here, and you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Joe, you old devil, that sounds crazy, but let's do it!"
An undercover cop sitting in the next booth hears their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers doing it against a fence... I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he quietly follows them.
The old couple slowly make their way out back, and finally get to the fence. The old girl drops her chaps and jeans, and her husband does the same. As she leans against the fence, the old boy moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the cop has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are whooping and hollering and moaning like wild coyotes. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The cop is blown away. He thinks he's learned something about old bikers that he didn't know.
After twenty minutes of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and pull their drawers back up. The cop, still watching, thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to it?"
Shaking, the old biker is barely able to speak, "Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electric!"
A loser from Essex is having a hard time picking up a woman, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in London where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I’ll spend the night with you, but I’ve got to let you know up front that I’m on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says " That’s OK. I’ll follow you on my Moped.
A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.
She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.
The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.
After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.
"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."
"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"
"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."
"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?"
And she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .
Woman 1) "I had sex last night, did you?" Woman 2) "Yes." Woman 1) "Was it good?" Woman 2) "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?" Woman 1) "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairy-tale!" At the same time, their husbands are talking at work. Husband 1) "You wanted sex last night, how was it?" Husband 2) "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?" Husband 1) "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have any money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour.
Two hillbillies walk into a bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They are standing at the bar drinking their beers and talking about current cattle prices when all of a sudden a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, begins to choke. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The women violently shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" the other asks. The women doesn’t answer and begins to turn blue. The hillbilly then runs up behind her, lifts up her dress, yanks down her panties and runs his tounge all over her arse in a circular motion until finally the woman becomes shocked and it send her into a violent spasm and the obstruction flys from her mouth. As she begins to breathe, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. The other hillbilly says to his friend, "Ya know? I’d heard of that there HIND LICK MANEUVER, but, I aint ever seen nobody do it.
There is an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman sitting in a bar talking and the Italian is bragging that last night he made love to his wife 3 times and this morning his wife made him breakfast in bed and told him how amazing he was the night before.
The Frenchman said "That’s nothing I made love to my wife 5 times last night and then this morning to show her appreciation she made me breakfast in bed and told me how much she loved me and gave me head while I ate my breakfast." Then the men turned to the Englishman and asked him how many times he made love to his wife the night before and he said "Only Once." The two men started laughing and the Frenchman asked him what his wife said to him this morning and the Englishman smoothly replied:
Two best friends, Bob & Joe, got married on the same day, they went to the same resort for their honeymoon, which had two bridal suites next door to each other.
The new brides retired to the suites to prepare themselves & the grooms had a drink in the bar while they waited.
"Let's have a competition, between you & I", Bob says. "Ok" says Joe. "Each time we make love tonight, mark the outside of your door, loser buys the drinks for the rest of the Honeymoon" says Bob. "You're on" Joe replies.
With that, they retire to their respective suites. Joe manages 3 times, during the night & markes his door with 3 chalk marks like this - | | | Bob staggers out of his bridal suite, looks at Joes door & says...
A man walks into a bar and sees a fat, disgustingly pimpled, ugly man with the hottest woman he's ever seen. Man walks up to the bartender and says "Wow, how the hell did that pimpled freak land a hottie like that?"... Bartender replies "Beats the hell out of me but the funny thing is, he’s here with her every morning..... Why don’t you ask him?" So the man finally gets up the nerve to approach the fat man and says "Excuse me but... I have to ask.... how in the world did you land such a hottie?" The fat man replies "Well she’s a prostitute." The man is stunned. "Well how did you meet her?" The fat man replies... "Well she’s here every morning at 9am sharp... be here and you’ll get your chance."... So the next day the man comes in and sees the woman sitting at the bar. He sits down beside her and says "I’m sorry but I have to ask.... are you a prostitute?" The woman replies "Its ok and yes... I am." "Wow.... how much for a handjob then?" The woman replies "£700." "£700??!! Good God lady, don’t you think thats a bit too much!" The woman says "Come to the window I want to show you something" She takes him to the window and points to a red Ferrari outside. "You see that Ferrari?" "Yeah... what about it?" "I paid for it by giving handjobs." "WOW!!! That must be one hell of a handjob." So he pays her the money and gets the best handjob ever.... his legs shake and lips quiver. Next day the man comes back and askes "How much for a blowjob?" "£800" "Holy shit, thats alot of money" "Let me show you something" she says. She takes him back to the window and points to 2 skyscrapers in the city. "You see those skyscrapers?" "Yeah.." "I paid for those giving blowjobs." "WOW!!! Thats one helluva blowjob!!!" So he pays her the money and gets the best blowjob he has ever had..... his eyes roll back in his head and his feet tremble. The next day the man gets up and empties out his entire bank account. He goes to the bar, sees the woman and says "I’ve had the best handjob and blowjob I have ever had in my life and it was from you.... I’ve GOT to know how good that pussy is.... how much? Name your price. I’ll pay anything!!!!" The woman says "Come here, let me show you something" She takes him back to the window and points to an island resort with hotels and communities. "You see that island over there... with the lavish hotels and prominent communities?" He said "Yeah." She says "If I had a pussy I could buy that too."
Sorry I didn't realise the end of the joke was missing. What a plum, So here goes again.
There is an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman sitting in a bar talking and the Italian is bragging that last night he made love to his wife 3 times and this morning his wife made him breakfast in bed and told him how amazing he was the night before. The Frenchman said "That’s nothing I made love to my wife 5 times last night and then this morning to show her appreciation she made me breakfast in bed and told me how much she loved me and gave me head while I ate my breakfast." Then the men turned to the Englishman and asked him how many times he made love to his wife the night before and he said "Only Once." The two men started laughing and the Frenchman asked him what his wife said to him this morning and the Englishman smoothly replied:
A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon.
The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?"
The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?' So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummeled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face."
The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye?
There was this couple who took their son on a camping trip and in the room they were staying in there was only a bunk bed. So the couple decided to take the top bunk and let their son have the bottom bunk, when they were about to have sex they made up code words for faster and slower. Faster was lettuce and slower was tomato. When the son asked what they were doing, they told him they were making a salad. The little boy replied "Well could you be more careful because your spilling salad dressing al over my bed!"
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folk DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs Play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with
phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly,they both win a prize. One particular game, however, made Sydney drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate >>Match'?" >> >>Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have" >> >>DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold >>Coast >>if you win. What is your name? First name only please". >> >>Contestant: "Brian" >> >>DJ: "Brian, are you married or what? >> >>Brian: "Yes". >> >>DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?" >> >>Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married" >> >>DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only >>please >> >>Brian: "Sara" >> >>DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?" >> >>Brian: "She's gonna kill me" >> >>DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?" >> >>Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work" >> >>DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" >> >>Brian: "She's gonna kill me" >> >>DJ: "Brian, stay with me here!" >> >>Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning" >> >>DJ: "Atta boy Brian" >> >>Brian: (laughing sheepishly): "Well...." >> >>DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" >> >>Brian: "About 10 minutes" >> >>DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have >>said that if a trip wasn't at stake" >> >>Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice" >> >>DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this >>morning?" >> >>Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...." >> >>DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?" >> >>Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with >>us for a couple of weeks..." >> >>DJ: "Uh huh" >> >>Brian: "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time" >> >>DJ: "Atta boy Brian" >> >>Brian: "On the kitchen table" >> >>DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous >>hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I >> will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her >>up. You listen to this" >> >>(3 minutes of commercials follow) >> >>DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?" >> >>(touch tones...ringing....) >> >>Clerk: "Kinkos" >> >>DJ: "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?" >> >>Clerk: "This is she" >> >>DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now >>and I've been talking to Brian >> for a couple of hours now" >> >>Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" >> >>DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not >>to give any answers away or you'll lose. >> Soooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?" >> >>Sara: "No" >> >>DJ: "Good!" >> >>Brian: (laughing) >> >>Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" >> >>Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be >>completely honest" >> >>DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. >>If your answers match >> Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold >>Coast for 5 days on us" >> >>Sara: (laughing) "yes" >> >>DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?" >> >>Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work" >> >>DJ: "What time?" >> >>Sara: "Around 8 this morning" >> >>DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" >> >>Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe" >> >>DJ: "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect >>his manhood. >> We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from >>a trip to the Gold Coast. >> Are you ready?" >> >>Sara: (laughing) "Yes" >> >>DJ: "Where did you have it?" >> >>Sara: "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?" >> >>Brian: "Just tell them honey" >> >>DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sara?" >> >>Sara: "well....." >> >>DJ: "Come on Sara...where did you have it?" >> >>Sara: "Up the arse..." >> >> >> >>After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need a take a station >>break"
Mary is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Mary is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Mary as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Mary and her first husband or Mary and her second husband?"
So I go into this really private massage parlour and am undressed be this beautiful naked bird. As she starts rubbing all the oils over my body her breasts keep brushing against me, I started to get an erection She knew what she was doing to me as she whispered in my ear "do you want a wank " hardly able to contain my good fortune I said " if you don't mind" "no problem sir, we cater for everything here" she said with a wink "I just have to pop out to get some tissue, but I wont be long" she smiled as she left So many things were going through my head of the pleasure she was going to give me, then after a couple of minutes she popped her head around the door and said
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Wales. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales"
![over 18' only (35) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![over 18' only (35) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
