A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?" He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?" He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?" and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would." So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"and he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."
A couple celabrating their 60th wedding anniversary were sitting in a resturant reminiscing about their sex life when they were younger.The old fella tells his wife that he feels a bit friscky right now & asks to go outside to the same fence they did the deed against 30 years ago,the wife readily agrees to this,after some slow stumbles the man leans against the fence & give's his wife the best time of her life for over an hour & a half,when he finsish's off the old girl turns to him & say's ' wow you werent event that good 30 years ago'to which he relies '30 years ago they didnt have an damn electric fence here'
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears. "This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman.
I knew i wasnt feeling two grand....lol
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
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As he sat facing her old <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Hammond</st1:place></st1:City> organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
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When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.<o:p></o:p>
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.<o:p></o:p>
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking Through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"<o:p></o:p>
A Stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" “Oh, I don't know", said the stranger, thinking himself funny, "how about and nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward will be to hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Mm, yes." Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; 2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3.. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4.. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5.. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!" Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on." God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
I got this sent to me the other day - good if you haven't seen it before.
Peter Kay One Liners1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this beforePETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?14) What do you call male ballerinas?15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
Two bikers out for a ride one sunny day, they stop at a buttie van for a bite to eat and a brew. Suddenly one of the bikers puts his brew down and picks up his helmet. He holds it tight to his chest and stands bolt upright almost in military fashion. His mate looks around and sees a funeral cortège coming down the road.
In silence they watch as it passes and disappears down the road.
The biker says to his mate “blimey Joe that’s one of the most respectful gestures that ive ever seen” The respectful biker replies “ well it’s the least I could do, we were married for twenty years you know”
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin"."What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be."
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"Husband # 2 was in Software Services. He was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."<o:p></o:p>
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services. He said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."<o:p></o:p>
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."<o:p></o:p>
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer. He understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method."<o:p></o:p>
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"Husband #6 was from Administration. He thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."<o:p></o:p>
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing. Although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."<o:p></o:p>
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist. All he did was talk about it."<o:p></o:p>
"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist. All he did was look at it."<o:p></o:p>
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector. All he ever did was.......God I miss him."<o:p></o:p>
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."<o:p></o:p>
"Wonderful," said the husband. "But why?"<o:p></o:p>
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"You're with the Government, this time I know I'm gonna get screwed!!"
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